you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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