I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
