I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
