I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
