Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
