My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
