there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
