Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
