Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
