i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
