Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
