ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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