I hate all girls vehemently.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
