Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
