I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
