we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
