mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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