Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
