I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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