dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
