New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
