how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
