Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Houston, we have a squirter
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
