Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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