If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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