He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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