Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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