I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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