Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
