I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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