I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Rumble strips road head = magical
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Drunk is a universal language darling
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