They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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