Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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