Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need a beard to bite.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
