Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
