She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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