Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
