I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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