Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
