My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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