Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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