don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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