Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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