see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
