K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
