why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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