I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
