I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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