I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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