Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
