just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
