I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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